OK, if I were to write a job description for a photog opening, what should it say? I see from the JOBS section of b-roll.net that everyone writes a different ad. Some say “Clean driving record” others want “able to carry 60 pounds of TV gear” still others are looking for some undefined “NPPA Style”. Some ads read “Women and minorities encouraged to apply.” or “Bilingual a plus!”

Does anyone write “Red Cross Babysitting certificate a plus” or “Familiarity with ‘78 Dodge Dart preferred.”
Wouldn’t just once you like an ad to read “We are a state of the art facility, but the new guy will get all the crappy gear.”

Help me write a REAL and TRUE ad for a photog opening… Let’s have a little fun!

Immediate opening for a Television News Photographer: We’ve sat on our hands so long were desperate for damn near anyone…

From: Richard W. Adkins

“We have new SUV’s… but only four cars and twelve photogs, so you will be issued the company Bus Pass”
OR: “A tolerance for Incompetent or green reporters is a plus”

From: Grace

“News photgrapher wanted.Must be a team player,meaning that you will be doing 4 different jobs at a time.NPPA style shop(we know about it,we hear about it,we don’t do it).State of the art gear(in 1991),we are moving toward an all digital newsroom(at the speed of a sloth).Our shows are #1!(if you are looking at the replay we air at 3am against a Tae-Bo infomercial).Lots of opportunity for overtime(you’ll need it on the salary we’re paying).Many of our past shooters have gone on to bigger markets(Kroger,Ralph’s,Costco),and we have won many awards(Chamber of Commerce Best lawn award 4 years running). If you want to really make a difference(except in your standard of living),send us your tape fast!(it’ll sit on the floor for 6 months before anyone looks at it,but Fed Ex it for 15 bucks anyway).EEO employer(we are going to hire a buddy from another station anyway).Clean driving record required(cause we’ll push you to haul ass and screw it up rushing from poorly planned assignment to assignment),with no DUI’s(cause if you don’t drink now,don’t worry-you’ll start soon after being hired here). Send tape to:Richard Adkins(it’ll actually get left in the mailroom for 3 weeks after the deadline)and no phone calls (unless you know where Richard can get a better gig!).

From: Richard Campbell

WANTED: News photographer. We want someone who shoots as well as they say they do. Someone whose work looks as good as the stuff on their tape. Must be able to deal with cranky reporters, cranky assignment edtiors, and cranky equipment, all of which will let you down at some point. We have good management right now that really supports NPPA-quality storytelling…but who knows who’ll own this shop next week? We don’t care what equipment you’ve operated in your long and checkered 12-month career. We do care whether you want to learn new gear and how to use it. If you like OT, this is the place to get it, because we never quite have a 100% full staff. You will go on an out-of-town trip occasionally. Then again, you’ll shoot VOs of awards and ribbon-cuttings for what seems like weeks at a time. We have some very good reporters who will do great stuff with your pictures and sound…and every two or three days, the producer will hack twenty seconds off the time alloted for the package, so you’ll have no room for no nat sound or sequences in there after all. We have two live trucks. That’s so there will always be at least one working. Mechanical repair skills could be a plus. Advanced applied physics degree also an asset when dealing with issues like management that decrees “no speeding” in news vehicles while the desk requires you to be 90 miles away an hour from now.

If you like working hard, telling good stories, getting to go places and do things others don’t, you’ll like this job. It’s also maddening some days. (That’s why they call it work, I guess.)

If after all this, you’re still interested, send your tape (on the format I specify, damn it!), resume and references to…

From: Scott Orr

W***-TV, a MegaMonopolyCorp station (we’re the smallest of 29 stations in a company that is in 67 different businesses for whom broadcasting is a hobby like ham radio), seeks a news photographer. Must be a self-starter with the ability to work successfully in a fast-paced environment, on multiple projects and on tight deadline. You’ll do a little of everyone else’s job for them, and catch and juggle the ball no matter who drops it. You’ll act as a buffer between egomanaical reporters who’ve been mailing it in on their reputation for the last fifteen years, and crazed producers who expect you to provide a Murrow award-winning package on a board of education meeting in fifteen minutes or less. Must drive a variety of unusual vehicles at excessive speeds under manic conditions, yet somehow maintain a perfect driving record. You must have an advanced degree, but we’ll pay barely enough for you to cover the installment on your student loan. Carry huge amounts of photo and lighting gear across the Mojave Desert to your interview, then carry it back unused because your reporter is impatient with the time it takes to set up all that crap. You should have the ability to work well with others who have no interest or motivation to work well with you. Experience required, but the people you’ll be working with will have been in the business a fraction of the time you have and treat you like you just fell off the back of the turnip truck anyway. Must be familiar with SX, SP, DVC, M-II, SVHS, VPR-3, Hi-8, Hi-C, 3/4″, 1″, 2″ and 6 7/8″ We’re not sure exactly what aspect of this you need to be familiar with, but it helps us chuck out otherwise qualified applicants whose salary histories might be a tad too rich for our blood. In short, if you can knock on the door of a murder victim’s neighbor without flinching and know which end of the camera to look into when shooting, rush that resume!

(Of course, I’VE never had jobs like this!)

From: Dave the Wage Slave