It hasn’t just been slow this week. It’s been inert. That’s to be expected, for during this week after Christmas, a good percentage of the hemisphere stays home. Not us newsies. We’ve got a show to put on – even if it means filling our broadcasts with a complete lack of happenings. You’d think it would make for an easy week. You’d be wrong. Me, I’d rather race from turnstile to rubble pile to live truck dial than try to make news out of nothing at all. Take the past few days – please! I’ve played more phone tag than a telemarketer with Tourettes, left quizzical missives with executive assistants, drooled over the kind of press releases I’d usually use for spitballs…

Yes, Public Works? Nigel from Channel X here. We just got word you guys were waxing speed bumps this week and we wanted to know if we could send a crew over? Excuse me? You don’t see WHY this is newsworthy? Look pal, you’re the one who sent the press release! I’m just keeping my place in the food chain. You know what a slow news week it is? My assignment editor had to breathe into a paper bag before your fax ever made it through the machine. She’s laying down right now! So before you go changing your mind, you should know my satellite truck is circling your block. Inside are two separate news crews, one to cover ‘nuts and bolts’, the other in search of a sidebar. I got my best graphics guy cooking up an over the shoulder as we speak and I’m thinking about sending my main anchor over to break out the gravitas. So unless you wanna tell the entire Upper Valley Homeland Crescent why you’re wasting valuable fax paper, I suggest you get the fellas out there and out there NOW! Otherwise, we’re going straight-up investigative on your ass and YOU’LL be the one explaining why a half dozen city workers were caught on tape getting high by the salt pile! Hmmm? What’s that???

Yeah, I can call back tomorrow.