Seen here in its natural environment, the Lenslingamus Maturicus is known for contorting its form to feed itself and others. Note that sensible hoof covering, the belted thorax, the dime store wristwatch … all signs of a fully grown photogopod. But don’t let the everyday markings fool you. This species is a cold blooded killer, no matter how feeble or bitter they may appear in advanced stages. The undomesticated news shooter can stun its enemy with a panoply of offensive maneuvers… the overhanded lens launch, the spinning microphone drop-kick and, most grotesquely, the Darth Vader duck walk (pictured above). Considered the most vile member of the broadcast stratum, the seasoned slinger can project a noxious bile from damn near thirty yards, stun its prey with rambling war stories and assemble cogent timeline even when fully hibernated. Most lose their distinctive markings as they mature, but just because a ‘Freebird’ t-shirt has been replaced by a bland, blue button-down doesn’t mean you should approach this most ornery of scavengers unarmed. Known for their high tolerance to pharmaceuticals, uniquely odorous hide and general disdain for meaningful human interaction, certain ‘spotlighting’ techniques, artificial fast-food calls and black-market tranquilizer darts have been sanctioned by governing bodies in all fifty states.

Approach with caution, if at all…