I never set out to be a news photographer, I just kind of fell into it with some raw skill and a small market. Going on 14 years later, I’m still showing up to a place with the constant growl of scanner traffic. For the most part, I’ve taught myself almost all I know by reading, watching, and analyzing. I’ve had very few people who have been "teachers" along the way. I’ve been to the workshop and had a couple significant mentors, but that’s it. It’s been a pretty lonely existence in some regards.
In my mind, reaching back to an overzealous mother in childhood, I have to do 100% perfect each time or it’s not good enough. I know that’s not realistic now that I’m an adult, but it’s been conditioned enough to be a nagging problem. That combined with the stress of always wondering if I’m doing a good enough in regards to the previous paragraph has made me a wreck.
I have literally froze from anxiety while shooting things. I have chest tightness and pounding. It’s flight, not fight. It hasn’t always been this way, for the most part it’s been a pretty confident go of it. But for the last almost year, it’s been hell.
I feel like I have regressed in my abilities. I’m not as motivated, partly because of fear of the above. I hide from doing things if I can because I don’t want the stress.
I have a lot of questions. Do I bring it up with the bosses? I don’t want to be seen as that weak link who is seen as not wanting to do what he signed up for now. Do I try and get out? I’ve been doing this for so long that it’s most of what I know. I’ve even got to the point where I have a basically comfortable financial situation. Up and leaving just seems to leave a lot of issues that I don’t want to deal with. How do you even get out of such a rut? I have no idea what would work best.