Chances are reporter Brian Thompson and his (oddly) anonymous photog weren’t expecting a fruit basket when they arrived outside New Jersey’s Wayne Diamond and Jewelry Center, but did they deserve a beat-down? We here at The Lenslinger Institute think NOT. But then again, we’re a crack squad of top schmuckologists; well versed in the art of the grab and ever vigilant for signs of news crew abuse. Which brings us back to that parking lot in Jersey.

That’s about as far as the journalists from NBC 4 New York got, before the staff of the aforementioned jewelry joint went all Sopranos on ’em. Maybe it was the brazen way the journalists pulled up in broad daylight that offended their sensibilities. Perhaps their trousers were just too tight. Could it be  they were back in the Old Country, where slapping around nosy newsies was a national past time? Whatever the case, these indignant gem pimps proved to be just a couple of thugs. Who knew? But enough of my blathering, let’s go to the videotape!

There’s a delightful moment at 0:18 when Jeweler #1 (we’ll call him Penelope) tells Thompson he cannot enter the store. Thompson asks which store – a question so loaded it momentarily stymies Penelope, who then warns Thompson not to ‘piss me off right now!” “When would be a GOOD time to come back and piss you off?” Thompson did not ask.

Around 0:32 Penelope tires of engaging Thompson and turns to the unnamed cameraman. “Do you want me to punch you in the face?” No doubt Penelope meant it to sound threatening, but it struck me as what it must feel like to be bullied by Borat. High Five!

At 0:44, shit gets real. Penelope moves in close to the lens, then sucker punches the (unidentified) news shooter. It’s a cheap shot and poorly executed. Dude behind the lens was probably right to hold his fire, but I sooo wish he’d brought his foot up and kicked Penelope in the Hiddenites.

 At 1:02, Jeweler #2 (we’ll call him Nancy) emerges for a tour de force performance. Raising his voice and feigning friendship, Nancy approaches our man behind the camera with deceptively good tidings, only to grab at the lens once he gets within reach. No doubt Nancy felt pretty cool, but I could only think of the Festrunk Brothers.

Finally, at 2:06, Nancy reappears for an encore performance. When asked by Thompson to identify himself, Nancy instead grabs the microphone. What follows is a grappling match that deserves to be included in the next Summer Olympics. Sure, it goes nowhere, but can it be any less mind-numbing than all that volleyball NBC is foisting upon an innocent nation?

So, did we miss anything? Probably, but while our disdain remains, the selection committee here at the Institute’s elders have grown weary of the clip and would like to return to their rock-scissor-subpoena tournament. Schmucks!