I’ve been told I need to smile more in photographs. Piss on that. If I got any giddier, they’d kick me out of the news shooters union, for a thousand yard stare is simply the price of admission. In person, I’m almost jovial … ya know, in a morose kind of way. More than anything, I’m a product of conditioning. And for the past two decades I’ve been conditioned to squint through things… windshields, lenses, Wendy’s milkshake lids. Is it any wonder I wear a poker-face? You would too, had you waded into places where you either weren’t welcomed or were fawned over to the point of kidnapping concerns. It ain’t me, mind you. It’s that Sony on my shoulder. People tend to genuflect in its presence. That, or they simply skulk out of the room. I have to chase them either way. Some run. Others stop, drop, pop and lock. One guy in shackles wanted to ‘take me back to the double-wide to see if I bleed’. I declined – using the exact same facial muscles I employ to wave Goth kids off at the county fair.

Hey, YOU roll up to a City Council meeting or a crowded kindergarten class without your mask of apathy intact. They’ll make you eat paste! And those little kids can hassle you too, though a room full of jacked up five year olds still pales in comparison to one low-level wonk in search of a constituency. Don’t believe me? Lock eyes with an assistant city manager who wants to get his no-kill litterbug campaign off the ground. You’ll wish you covered your face in Saran Wrap. Also, appearing vaguely constipated discourages looky-loo’s from approaching the glass. ‘You there, throwing devil horns and screaming ‘Hey Mom”. Your mom ain’t here. She’s tied up back in my live truck telling all your secrets. So if you don’t want me spreading details of your chocolate bath habit across seven contiguous counties, you will back the fudge up.’  Now, I of course would never SAY anything so rude to the people who pay my bills, but if I scrunch my eyebrows together and channel Chuck Norris just right…

…I shouldn’t have to.