Over the weekend, I found myself with a hankerin’ for an adventure and a need for a lift from the Bay Area to Sacramento. For a long time now, I’ve been hearing about this new method of transport… some sort of “train” that traves from one location to another. Having never ventured onto the Amtrak lines before, I decided it was high time I traveled Biden-style across the glorious region of Northern California!

As I climed aboard amidst conductor calls that could hardly be understood, I made my way up the stairs wondering what would happen if I’d accidently made my way onto the wrong train. Would they toss me out the window, Indiana Jones style? As I started to get nervous, I’d noticed that I had stumbled upon the dining car, which just so happened to offer a varied menu that included beer, wine and spirits. As the train took off from the station, I decided that I was going wherever it was headed, so I might as well grab a drink and enjoy the ride.

As the train headed East from Jack London Square in Oakland, I settled into a window seat, ready to take in all the glorious scenery that this great state has to offer. The ocean, the wildlife, the magnificant skyline… the Bay Area was a world class destination that I was lucky to live so close to, and I was ready to take it in for all its glory. I leaned against the window, ready to absorb the beauty… and… yup… Sure enough, that’s a homeless man taking a piss. Glorious.

As we rolled through Oakland, I realized that there was a lot of art and culture existing off the beaten path that I’d been missing all this time. Who needs a fancy gallery when you’ve got Amtrak?

Being familiar with the journey, at least from the freeway’s viewpoint, I was sure that something pretty would have to come about before long. I busted out my book and decided to distract myself until the scenery tidied up a bit, only to discover that the shakey train was making me a little carsick (trainsick… I know, I know…). So I tossed the book aside and took in the train for what it was.

It wasn’t long before my distaste for the public took hold and I started to get strated. A wiley child ran up and down the aisle in front of a screaming mother, while the girl sitting in front of me played a phone game with the sound on. Pop! Pop! Whatever the game was, it involved some sort of bubbles, and she seemed to be doing well. But here comes the fun part… she started singing to herself. Not just singing quietly, but singing in a way where you know she thinks she’s good, but really has no business shrieking in public like that. It made me a little sad inside, like when the loser American Idol contestants are told that they’ve failed at life. Poor thing…

Tired of this nonsense, I plugged into my iPod and glanced out the window, hoping to witness the beauty of the bay. Nope… Shanty town.

Well one man can only take so much squalor, so I started looking around for other options of entertainment. What’s this? Aparently a train isn’t all that different from your typical airline, because they offer a seat pocket stuffed with magazines and instructional pamphlets.

Naturally, I started with the “In Case of Emergency” pamphlet, which featured a brail translation for the visually impaired. I could only imagine how a blind person would feel in an emergency when they came across Step 1: “Look Around”…

As my amusement slowly dispersed, I decided to try the window again, and sure enough, there was something worth looking at!

Look at that… just glorious! The birds, the sailboats, the factories… wait, what’s this coming up?

Dang. The beautiful coastline evaporated as quickly as it had appeared. Now we seemed to be in some sort of industrial wasteland, coming so close to these factories that I felt like I was on one of the filler Disneyland rides.

So naturally, it was back to the seat pockets, which revealed a sort of train version of Sky Mall. That resulted in this, which may have made the whole trip worth it:

Yes, a Bigfoot that attaches to your tree. Sick of the neighbor kids playing on your lawn? Well $69.95 will solve that problem! Send them screaming back to their mamas with style!

Eventually the 2 hour trip came to a close. As we approached the familir skyline, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had learned something from this increadible journey…

To sum up: People are stupid and annoying, housing near railroad tracks can be scary, beauty is quickly destroyed by industry, and beer is way more expensive than it should be on trains. Also, boats are way cooler.

All together, a very enlightning experience! No wonder Joe Biden loves these things…