ATTENTION ALL! Swing by John Edwards’ criminal trial and we may very well put you to work. Mostly, we need you to loiter out front, then pounce on the former presidential candidate every time he strolls into or out of justice. There’s no real skill involved so you should do just fine, but remember: we do other stuff too. In fact, your duties may include:
Convincing a steady succession of meter maids that you’re simply not qualified to move that live truck away from those fire hydrants, even if its logos do match the one on your less than heaving bosom.
Pretending the very alignment of our solar system depends on you getting a fresh fourteen second sequence of Edwards walking to and from the courthouse. (You know, in case he suddenly confesses or breaks into song.)
Bouncing the day’s last rays off a co-worker’s bald spot, all while trying not to cave in the roof of your – ahem – mobile newsroom. Sunscreen not included.
Pulling eight hundred feet of live truck cable from beneath the tires of a minivan your competition convinced a soccer mom to abandon. (They must have promised her a coffee mug or something.)
Falsely assuring your reporter that the live shot in which she unwisely referred to John Edwards as ‘Richie Rich with a stiffie” might not be her last.
Informing curious pedestrians as to why there’s two dozen satellite trucks double-parked along Market Street. (Try to work in the supernatural.)
Extracting network crews from favorite booth at nearby eatery with claims that ‘Rielle Hunter just rolled up in a tube top slathered in Go-Daddy logos.’ (Hey, it could happen.)
Pining for the good ole days of simple videotape as you and three other photogs hold a seance over a freshly-filled SD card someone thought to soak in Dr. Pepper.
Trying to convince that courtroom sketch artist that A) you ARE part of the station group paying for her chalk masterpieces and B) she should probably let you hold onto her debit card just to make it all legal-like.
Fighting the urge to hand your reporter a notepad (or napkin) as she repeatedly interrupts your nap by screaming at the antiquated laptop that – surprise – won’t let her log on.
Other than that, it’s all point and shoot.
