They may look harmless, but this motley clot of operatives can bathe the airwaves with toxins or truth, poison water cooler talk with drops of honesty and spread a great malaise across the land. Not bad for some former camcorder dorks! I can say that, ’cause I’m one of ’em. And while my shoulder roll is well within specs, my powers of perception are off the chart. It’s what allows my type to plop down and chill, shut out the world and just go numb, all while sweeping the perimeter with a jet pilot’s eye. At least that’s what we tell ourselves as we hover over timelines. Truth is, we’re no more qualified to fly than your average pizza delivery guy, but watching life zoom by on a tiny screen does  leaves us diving for the horizon. You’d scurry, too – if both bailiffs and waitresses yelled “Hey Mom” your way.

As any TV stevedore who’s schlepped for more than a fortnight will tell you, it’s an eye-opening experience. Grimacing Senator, Star Command Drop-Out, Self-Proclaimed Mermaid: at one time or another they’ve all clamored for my camera’s affection. Fend off the gang at Occupy: Waffle House a few times. You’re sense of security (not to mention smell) will be left scattered, capped and shattered. So if you happen upon a huddle as such, approach with extreme caution. Their corporal form and aptitude for lassitude belies a pack animal’s paranoia. Yes, these students of insouciance are trained to frame and poised to pounce. They are the foot soldiers of the Fourth Estate and upsetting their scrum would be no more advisable than stepping in a bucket of rattlesnake. Isn’t that right, fellas? … Fellas?

You know, if I’m gonna talk you up like this, you could at least put your phones down.