Whenever a popular dog goes missing … and is then found … and a TV station is called… and it’s kind of a slow news day… I’LL BE THERE. 

Whenever a CEO approaches a podium to take credit for something an underling’s done… I’LL BE THERE.

Whenever a fire department burns a house on purpose and doesn’t send a press release… I’LL BE THERE.

Whenever a ‘local institution’ closes their doors for the very last time because it didn’t get enough publicity… I’LL BE THERE.

Whenever an elected official shows up at a toll booth without any pants… I’LL BE THERE.

Whenever there’s only skid marks left from that bad wreck this weekend… I’LL BE THERE.

Whenever rent-a-cops wage war with common sense… I’LL BE THERE.

Whenever you duck into a diner with a woman you shouldn’t be with… I’LL BE THERE.

Whenever the sheriff thinks it would be a good idea to show the public how clean the new jail’s toilets still are … I’LL BE THERE.

Whenever aliens with bloodshot eyes, knobs for knuckles and that Benny Hill song on their lips show up asking for members of the media, I’LL—

Actually, you’re on your own with that one.