Hey man a couple things I thought this lacked. Where was your tripod? There's no excuse to not use one when your not moving. The shaky shots at the beginning turned me off to the piece.
There was a lot of nat sound/pop opportunities here I felt you missed. You had the music in there but you needed tight shots and lots of them. Drums, fingers playing on trumpets, director swinging his or her arms etc. You can match the edits with the music later, especially with a song that repeats itself like Stars and Stripes Forever.
Same goes for the fireworks. I saw the wides and the nat pop but where was the tight shots of kids watching, their faces lighting up when the firework explodes, etc. I want you to take me there. I really noticed the pans to nowhere. If you are going to pan keep pan short, not the time but the distance you cover and take it somewhere, make it serve a purpose.
And for my last "critique" once I see someone I don't need or want to see them again, especially in a piece like this. Unless its an emotional moments or adds to the story I don't need to see them again.
I'm not trying to be harsh here but I felt like this was a major missed opportunity. I don't know what kind of crunch you were under but your trying and that right there is half the battle. Develope a thick skin and keep working hard and watch a lot of other stuff posted here. There is a wealth of knowledge here so keep at it!